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Sheizenhammer
If you find me ignorant, enlighten me.

Age 36, Male

Zzzzzz...

Yarm, UK

Joined on 12/31/08

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The dumb review dump.

Posted by Sheizenhammer - August 2nd, 2010


THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FLAGGING REVIEWS. It's merely here for the purpose of laughing at all the really stupid shit that NG's resident moron population likes to write in that review box.

Here's 20 of the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) reviews I've ever seen. Complete with reasons why they deserve a special place in my "laugh at for years to come" picture folder. Enjoy!

1. Art review bawwing.
I've had this as the example of what NOT to do in the review space for a while now, and it's still one of the dumbest things I've ever seen even to this day. The hilarity of this one is self-explanatory, really.

2. MY CAPS LOCK MAKES ME SMART!!!
BECAUSE IF I TYPE LIKE THIS EVERYONE WILL HEAR ME BETTER, RIGHT?! EVEN IF I PLAINLY DON'T KNOW NEWGROUNDS HAS AN N-WORD FILTER, IT WON'T MATTER CUZ I'M SMART NOW!!!

3. Obvious, socially inept emo-rage.
I dunno what's worse, the review or the fact that I found it on an obvious spam flash that was blatantly making fun of emos while being sarcastic. This guy wins a place here just for the sheer amount of oblivious whining about shit that had absolutely nothing to do with the submission it was left on.

4. Troll'd!
Dear Newgrounds: Bringing up Sigmund Freud to try and sound clever doesn't work when you're trying to sound clever to an obvious troll. Especially if you plainly KNOW it's a troll, but decide to try and argue anyway.

5. Feminazis.
You don't get many man-haters on Newgrounds... but that just makes them all the more obvious (and fun!) when they do come here, failing to realise this site is almost entirely populated by males. XD

6. YUO INSULTED MAH FAVURIT FALSH BAWWWWW!!!1111!!1one!!11
...My tard-rage detector is STILL broken from this one. The thing practically went nuclear. I mean, seriously, how is it even possible to mis-spell some of those words??

7. I'M TELLLLLINNNNG!!! IMMA TELL ON YOOO!!!
Protip: The 1st amendment does not give you the right to set the police and / or media on anything you deem to be offensive on a whim. Nothing does. But damn, that all-caps typing is making me think he's so much smarter now... Maybe the police will listen more if he types his e-mail complaint in all-caps too? : /

8. Not taking the hint.
This one's obviously been deleted before, making the author of it look even more like a retard. And that's in addition to relating almost everything said about no.7 to this one as well.

9. (noob)Rage against the machine.
Seriously, if you can't even spell 'comment', you probably shouldn't be reviewing things. Having no idea how the review system works isn't a help either.

10. SILENCE!! I KILL YOU!!
Ah, the death threat. Newgrounds' oldest and most obvious way of noobs making themselves very, very easy targets. Still funny even now, especially since most reviewers have learnt not to do this (meaning only the most oblivious and / or blinded with rage still threaten to kill people in reviews).

11. If you delete this you are GAY!
Leaving little lines moaning about how reviews keep getting removed just makes them even funnier, IMO. There's also the little fact of this one being chain-spammed all over every Kitty Krew flash in existance by the same guy who wrote this one.

12. = Suspected IQ of this guy.
I... I'm speechless. Please tell me this isn't serious. I don't think I want to live anywhere near the human race anymore if it is. -__-'

13. Paradox fail.
I dunno if this was actually trying to be funny or what, but it still stuck out as being particularly retarded at any rate.

14. Coherence fail.
I honestly have no idea what this guy was trying to say. Anyone here able to translate fucktardian? I'd love to know what this was supposed to be about.

15. Spelling fail.
If not knowing how to spell 'comment' is reason enough to bar someone from writing reviews, then not knowing how to spell 'retarded' should earn you a ban from the whole of Newgrounds.

16. Repetition is the key to sucess...right?
Not if what you're repeating is completely brainless number-spewing.

17. Loophole exploitation fail.
So lemme get this straight: Posting "go die" will get your review deleted, but writing "go fuck yourself faggot ass bitch head" is OK?
Moron.

18. Homophobia.
"Being gay" is not a bannable offense. But since you're just so smart for typing in all-caps, I'm sure he'll leave of his own accord when he sees your obvious genius.

19. Inability to look in the mirror.
Oh god, we're all screwed! People, he's going to get the FUCKING PRESIDENT ON US!! We have to hide before Obama gets here and completely ignores the guy's prolific (blanked out) use of the N-word! Yes, he'll delete Newgrounds and throw us all in jail!! SHIT, RUN YOU FOOLS!!!
...God, I don't think I've laughed so hard before. Thanks to Domo for giving me that one, it's fucking gold!

20. Worst. Review. Ever.
No really. I honestly can't think of how you could put any more fail into 8 words. Hell, I never imagined it was even possible to put anywhere near THIS much fail into half a line and a title box.
Oh, and if you're wondering why it looks fake: I found it in the obituaries (so no rating buttons), and it was part of a set of dumb ones that I cropped down and saved over, leaving just this one (hence the bad quality - all the re-saving of it). I swear to god, this IS a real review. Or rather, it was...

OK, I need to go wash my brain (again) now. Think you've got a funnier one? Put it in the comments. And tell me which one is your favourite while you're at it; I'm wanting to turn this into a 'top 10', but without knowing which are the overall funniest that's kinda hard.

EDIT: Changed to approved comments only because some people are too stupid to read the bold, all-caps first line of this post. This is not about whoring links to abusive reviews. Please read the post before assuming you know what it's about.

MOAR EDIT: NEW ONES!
21. Furries must die!!!
It's official: if you like furry porn, you are a morally bankrupt paedophile and the FBI wants to kill you. Well, that or just this idiot wants to kill you; either way. Meh.

22. SIEG HEIL!
DAS GRAMMAR IST NICHT CORRECT!! DU HAST INSUTED DIE FURHERLAND UND MUST BE SENT TO DAS GASCHAMBERFIELDEN!!
VEE MUST EXTERMINATE ALL WHO OCCUPY OUR LIEBENSRAUM FUR DIE GRAMMATICAL RIECH ZAT VILL LAST EIN THOUSAND YEARS!!
(lol.)

23. Fanboys. Always get 'em.
You'd think this was a rare occurrence, wouldn't you? Unfortunately this is pretty tame as far as what your average fanboy / hater does with the review box.

24. Multi-N00bing.
Yes, these two really were right next to each other on the review space like this. And yes, they're both real too.
I swear, if there's one thing dumber than the obvious trolls on NG, it's the people who fall for it and give them the attention they're after.

25. PETArds
At what point were cats actually able to understand human insults anyway? Why the fuck would they even care about a flash on a website?

26. Cockophobia.
WAAAAAHHH HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME LOOK AT A DICK!!! NOW IM GAY BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS LOOKING AT DICKS MAKES YOU GAY!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! I MUST RAGE ALL OVER THE INTERNET NOW TO OVERCOMPENSATE FOR MY GAYNESS!!!! AAAAAARGH I HATE YOU!!!
This is stupid on so many levels it just defies belief...

27. EPIC spelling fail.
Now this is a first. Not a SINGLE word more than 3 letters long spelled correctly. I... um... er... WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE FEED YOUR CHILDREN THESE DAYS!!!?? LEAD SHOT!!!??

28. Hi, I'm new to Newgrounds. And the internet.
As a result, I am completely unaware of the fact that other people may not have the same opinions and / or sense of humour as me. Therefore, it is my self-proclaimed prerogative to point out anything I don't like not being hidden from me, lest my faggotry become uncontainable and explode all over the review space. As these are obviously things everyone knows, I take my review faggotry to be your fault for making something I don't like and having everyone else laugh at it. BAWW!

29. Oh the irony.
I really have to hand it to the author here. I couldn't have said it any better myself. XD

30. "I thought we were above this harsh slandering."
...............BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAno.

31. I'm 12 and what is this?
This is what you get for treating Newgrounds like a fap-library, dear under-ager. Now GTFO and find something else to do with your parents' computer you worthless little shit.

32. Anime fanboyism is always funny.
HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND BAWWWWWW111!!!1!!one!!!
Fun fact: this was found on the same submission as #31 was. NG hasn't lost its talent for causing butthurt, it seems. XD

33. Derp combo x18
Wow. Just wow. There's really nothing I can add to this that would make it look any stupider. All I can really do is point out the fact that he even managed to misspell 'ignorant' in his rant.
Seriously, I actually feel like I've laughed something loose in my head. I can see all funny colours and shit now... o_0

34. Double fail.
No. Fucking. Comment.

35. Dear fucking God...
What's worse than bawwing at an obvious troll? Reviewing without watching it and not even realising it's a troll video in the first place. I honestly don't know who's the bigger idiot here... I mean, they're both prime examples of everything that's wrong with the review system, but... Fuck it, I don't know.

36. There's a point in here somewhere...
...But the rampant mangling of even basic English makes it all but impossible to determine what the point was, or where it is. Sad, really. : /

37. I take back #20's description....
...Because THIS is now the worst review I've ever seen.
Dear Mindless YouTube commenter:
I hate you SO FUCKING MUCH that I'm actually contemplating setting up a Mayan sacrificial altar in my house, and slaughtering as many small furry animals as I can find on it, in the hope that 2012 DOES happen. Just so I can picture the look on your worthless little fucktarded face as the meteor slowly comes into the view from your window.
...OK, we all know you probably don't have a window in your parent's basement, but at least some of your equally pathetic friends will be sad enough to spend their final moments uploading videos of it to YouTube, so you'll still get a front-row seat as far as I could care. And care I will, because I'll be laughing myself stupid right up to the end. Hell, if I time it right, I'll laugh myself to death just before the meteor hits you and blasts you into trillions of sub-atomic self-improvements. BECAUSE THEN I WON'T HAVE TO BE REMINDED OF YOUR PITIFUL LIFE ANYMORE, AND I'LL BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some stone, candles, sharp objects and goats to buy.

38. I love the obituaries.
And I didn't think it was possible to jizz yourself into a state of brain-death, either. Well, what do you know? XD

39. Author deserves a cookie for this one.
So simple, and yet sooooo true. XD

40. Wat?
The fuck?

41. LMFAO!!!
Now THAT'S a keeper! I haven't seen butthurt like that for a long time. He even made a butthurt username-alt just to do this with, too. XD


Comments

I lol'd at 20

I facepalm'd at it. Still do sometimes.

Why would Obama come and delete something off of Newgrounds? o -o He's too busy sitting on his not doing anything

Leave this topic, authorities are being contacted.

your good, but however I made a lot of mistakes in this I got a sliver whistle but due to my bad mistakes it turned to normal again.

Reason number one why you only go for the really obvious crap right there. I mean, there's more than enough blatant abuse around here to get you a decent whistle without needing to go flagging the borderline stuff anyway.

But this particular post was only about having some fun with the biggest piles of fail I've found so far, so meh. If you want a better whistle, check the post immediately before this.

aww shucks you put the review I gave you in your post Thanks. There was a funny one I will have to track down that gave me a small chuckle. Also I made a review like # 20 in my newbish days. I got banned for 7 days. This post was great I could not stop laughing for 25 minutes. Its hard to believe there are users like that. Nice job on finding all of these. Each time you find a real crazy review you should add it on to this

Hahaha. I suppose everyone has a 'noob period'. Probably where most of this shit comes from, come to think of it.

And yes, I will be updating this as and when I find more ridiculous ones to add to the list. ;)

found it. It gives me a small chuckle. I laugh even more now cause in this post you were talking about users and there bad reviews. This is like 3 in 1
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/rAhQU.png">http://i.imgur.com/rAhQU.png</a>

XD

You've just reminded me of a review pair I had lying around in the dump:
http://www.newgrounds.com/dump/it em/dc0309491b83d707a173309c91b343 0d

I'll add it later... when I'm done laughing at it some more. :P

i love the idea of " hey, i wonder how much we can crank the derp-o-meter for?"

"i cracks ups every time!" (tokey, metalocalypse)

Hahaha, yeah.

haha, nice collection you have there

Lol, thanks! :D

How did you know it was the N word I was blanking out? I do not like that word. How long has it taken you to find all of these? Its been a day and I still laugh. This is a freaking gold mine of laughter though.

The review just had that kind of N-Bomb tone to it. It gets kinda predictable after a while. :P

I have no idea when I started saving these. Probably about a year or so, since I'm only saving the worst of the worst here.
That said, I did find two more just today, so I suppose it goes as quickly as your willingness to look for them. I'll put 'em up later... when I can think of suitable ways to publicly mock them. XD

Dude. You can't stop at 20. You gotta keep tracking these down. They're hilarious!

Already got 21 and 22 lined up, lol.

Watch this space... :P

EDIT: There you go. :D

Why did you change your sig? That was one of my favorite sigs on NG even though it was made in MS paint. In loving memory of your sig here is to versions of your sig I made. Its not really your type it was just a fun sig to make
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/SsQ2k.jpg">http://i.imgur.com/SsQ2k.jpg</a>
Egyptian version <a href="http://i.imgur.com/wKtUy.jpg">http://i.imgur.com/wKtUy.jpg</a>

Hmm. I thought everyone had gotten bored of the sig already. Maybe I should upload all my old MSpaint ones to the dump and post the links somewhere?

I just found it funny that you could actually get the error message to say that about reviews. No, it's not an edit.

I approve of your shenanigans.

I approve of your approval. And this comment.

*Hits 'approve' button* :D

the funnioest review ive ever seen (before i saw this post) said:
Your movies stink to shit and your mouth smells to pennis(You like the one of your dad).

XD

Lemme guess: 10 year old Mexican who only started taking English classes 2 weeks ago?
I love ones like that. So fucking funny in their failure!

Sometimes I wish I wasn't the same species as these people. Nice collection.

I swear, some of these HAVE to be bots... right?

Right???

-___-
Stupid society!

well you don't sound like a idiot(this is not sarcasm)

Umm... thanks? o_0 <_< >_>

I find that it's the 11-year old idiots on this site who don't even understand the point of the review space. They think it's exactly the same as comments on YouTube. Makes me want to rage.

Agreed. God how I agree...

im sorry there was too much to read so i just commented.... BLAME MY ADD!!!

Okay.

how the fuck is 20 a fail, it's funny and clearly done on purpose.

Because it was left on an obviously malicious flash that anyone with half a brain would've realised was going to be deleted anyway, and although deliberate, it was done solely out of butthurt over review bans. Also, that's exactly what the review space isn't for.

I've never seen butthurt that pure before. :P

Holy shit, so much information.

You know you love it really.

Got an entry for you.

Now making a review like that was bad enough, but lying to make it seem like you were a totally pro 1337 skillz gamer makes it worse. Not to mention that the person who made the game is known for his difficult level design.
<a href="http://imgur.com/OGTp6">http://imgur.com/OGTp6</a>

BAHAHAHAHA!! I do love people who go zero-bombing games just because they suck at them. 'WAH I CAN'T BEAT IT EVEN AFTER TRYING THE SAME N00B-TACTIC OVER AND OVER FOR A WHOLE 10 MINUTES WTF THIS R IMPOSSIBLE!!!'

good collection of dumb reviews

Thanks. :D

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